fuck im leaking...

[vxfemboy]

wipedicks v1.0.0

Two years ago we posted to r/programming, the redditors had notes, and someone opened an issue asking for a live ASCII penis progress bar.

TL;DR

• Won't trash your SSD anymore. Refuses to multi-pass overwrite flash by default and points you at the right native secure-erase command instead. --secure-erase will run it for you.
• Live [8========D~~~~] progress bar that resolves #1.
• Configurable shaft length, jizz volume, balls chance, plus 23 randomized completion verbs (fucked / creamed / 🥛 milked / 💀 destroyed / ☢ nuked / ...). The cum father asked.

Reddit FAQ

"Doesn't support configuring lengths or jizz amounts 😞"

It does now. Five new knobs:

wipedicks \
  --shaft-min 20 --shaft-max 40 \   # how long the =====
  --jizz-min  5  --jizz-max  10 \   # how much ~~~
  --balls-chance 1.0 \              # 0.0..1.0 probability of #
  ./your_file

--dry-run previews the generator output without destroying anything, so you can tune the dick dimensions to taste.

The code review

(Same comment also surfaced as issue #2 fixed verbatim.)

• Error Handling — failed wipes now always run the fs::remove_file cleanup pass. No more half-pumped corpses lying around in your directory.
• Code Organization — main.rs is gutted from 175 lines to ~120. Logic split into seven modules: cli, dicks, wipe, drive, safety, cleanup, progress.
• Performance — buffered 1 MiB SIMD-batched writes. The original was ~5000× more syscalls than necessary. DickBuf::fill() runs once per round and the same dicks are rewritten for every chunk in that round.
• Randomness — the dead-on-arrival fast_rand_dick cache is gone. Per-thread SmallRng instead, so threads can't step on each other's seeds.
• Command Line Arguments — clap derive macros, full --help with per-flag long descriptions, cross-flag validation in Args::validate().
• Thread Safety — thread::scope for join-before-return; bounded worker pool sized to available_parallelism() instead of spawning one OS thread per file.
• File Existence — parse_filelist runs single-threaded before any worker fires.
• Code Style — was already snake_case (the reviewer was hallucinating about camelCase), but everything passes cargo fmt --check and cargo clippy -- -D warnings on Linux, macOS, and Windows now.

Closes #1 — Endless Dick Scroll

#1: "Dynamic ASCII penis generation. Real-time updates to reflect the progress of the treatment."

[8=D~~~~~~~~~~~~~~]   1.00 MiB/64.00 MiB   2%  /tmp/victim
[8=========D~~~~~~]  32.00 MiB/64.00 MiB  50%  /tmp/victim
[8==============D]   64.00 MiB/64.00 MiB 100%  /tmp/victim 💦 creamed

Bytes shift yellow→green as you approach 100%. Total bytes stay cyan. Path is bright red. Add --gay and the shaft cycles ROYGBIV.

What's in the box

Safety

• SSD/NVMe refusal with per-platform classification. Linux: /proc/self/mountinfo + queue/rotational. macOS: diskutil info -plist. Windows: stub (DriveKind::Unknown for now — issue filed for native Get-PhysicalDisk impl).
• --secure-erase delegates to the right native tool: nvme format -s 1 for NVMe, hdparm --security-erase for SATA. Actually effective, doesn't burn PE cycles.
• Path-safety guards refuse /, /boot, /etc, /usr, /var, swap files (/proc/swaps), and mounted block devices (/proc/self/mountinfo). --rape overrides. (Yes, the flag is called --rape. Match the project tone or use a different tool.)
• Ctrl-C cleanup registry — interrupted wipes still unlink their temp files. Idempotent with the normal exit path.
• --verify reads each round back and confirms every byte is in the canonical penis alphabet {8, =, #, D, ~, ' '}. Catches bad sectors and FS-level corruption.

Performance

• Buffered writes at 1 MiB chunks (--buffer-size configurable). One write(2) per chunk vs. one per penis.
• Per-round buffer reuse — within a single overwrite pass we write the same buffer for every chunk. Across passes, fresh randomness. ~100× less RNG work on multi-pass runs.
• SIMD-batched shaft fill via the wide crate (u8x32::splat). Stable Rust, no nightly.
• Bounded thread pool via std::thread::scope + Mutex<Vec<PathBuf>> work queue. Sized to available_parallelism().

UX

• Live progress bar matching the issue spec, rendered via a custom indicatif::with_key callback so the D stays in frame at 100%.
• 23 random completion verbs, each with its own color and bold/underline/italic mix. Some get emoji prefixes (🥛 milked, 💦 creamed, ☢ nuked, 💀 destroyed, 🍆 pounded, 🍑 creampied). Picked once per file, never shuffles mid-render.
• --gay rainbow mode, jizz always bright white, file path always red.
• --dry-run to preview the generator without destroying anything.

Infra

• GitHub Actions CI on ubuntu-latest, macos-latest, windows-latest. Every push runs cargo fmt --check, cargo clippy --all-targets -- -D warnings, cargo build --release, cargo test --release.
• Release workflow on v* tags builds prebuilt binaries for x86_64-unknown-linux-gnu, aarch64-unknown-linux-gnu, x86_64-apple-darwin, aarch64-apple-darwin, x86_64-pc-windows-msvc and attaches them to the GitHub release.
• Zero unsafe. Seven unit tests. Cross-target check via cargo check --target x86_64-pc-windows-gnu clean.

Demo

Six 12 TB drives on an R710, wiped in parallel via SSH, with live colorized hexyl panes watching the first 256 bytes of each drive. Before:

00000000: 5a 46 53 ...  (zfs labels, partition tables, your data)

After:

❤  xxd /dev/sdm
00000000: 383d 447e 7e20 383d 3d3d 3d3d 3d3d 447e  8=D~~ 8=======D~
00000010: 2038 233d 3d3d 3d3d 3d3d 3d44 7e7e 2038   8#========D~~ 8
00000020: 233d 3d44 7e7e 2038 3d3d 3d3d 3d3d 3d3d  #==D~~ 8========

Quality bar

Check	Status
cargo fmt --check	clean
cargo clippy --release --all-targets -- -D warnings (linux/macos/windows)	clean
cargo build --release (linux/macos/windows)	clean
cargo test --release	7/7 pass
unsafe blocks	0
MSRV	stable (any 1.85+, for ErrorKind::StorageFull)

Credits

• Drewsif/wipedicks the original idea.
• The r/programming thread. code review and feature requests in the only style this project deserves.
• #1 Endless Dick Scroll, finally delivered.

8====D~~~