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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
<title>OnlySquatch - Bigfoot Life Coaching</title>
<style>
:root {
--forest-green: #1a3f2b;
--moss-green: #4a6b3f;
--wood-brown: #6b4f35;
--accent-orange: #d94f1c;
}
body {
margin: 0;
font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Geneva, Verdana, sans-serif;
background: linear-gradient(to bottom, var(--forest-green), var(--moss-green));
color: white;
}
.container {
max-width: 1200px;
margin: 0 auto;
padding: 20px;
}
header {
text-align: center;
padding: 40px 0;
border-bottom: 3px dashed var(--accent-orange);
}
h1 {
font-family: 'Brush Script MT', cursive;
font-size: 4em;
margin: 0;
text-shadow: 3px 3px 5px rgba(0,0,0,0.3);
}
.hero {
display: flex;
gap: 30px;
align-items: center;
margin: 50px 0;
flex-wrap: wrap;
}
.coach-image {
flex: 1;
min-width: 300px;
border: 5px solid var(--wood-brown);
border-radius: 15px;
transition: transform 0.3s;
}
.coach-image:hover {
transform: scale(1.02);
}
.description {
flex: 1;
min-width: 300px;
background: rgba(0,0,0,0.3);
padding: 20px;
border-radius: 15px;
position: relative;
}
.description:before {
content: '🖐';
font-size: 40px;
position: absolute;
top: -30px;
left: -20px;
transform: rotate(-30deg);
}
.cta-button {
display: inline-block;
background: var(--accent-orange);
color: white;
padding: 20px 40px;
border-radius: 50px;
text-decoration: none;
font-weight: bold;
font-size: 1.2em;
margin: 20px 0;
transition: all 0.3s;
border: 3px solid white;
}
.cta-button:hover {
background: #ff6b3d;
transform: scale(1.05);
box-shadow: 0 5px 15px rgba(0,0,0,0.3);
}
.benefits {
display: grid;
grid-template-columns: repeat(auto-fit, minmax(250px, 1fr));
gap: 20px;
margin: 50px 0;
}
.benefit-card {
background: rgba(255,255,255,0.1);
padding: 20px;
border-radius: 10px;
text-align: center;
border: 2px solid var(--wood-brown);
}
.testimonials {
margin: 60px 0;
background: rgba(0,0,0,0.2);
padding: 30px;
border-radius: 15px;
position: relative;
overflow: hidden;
}
.testimonials:before {
content: '🦶';
font-size: 100px;
position: absolute;
opacity: 0.1;
top: -30px;
right: -30px;
transform: rotate(25deg);
}
.testimonial-grid {
display: grid;
grid-template-columns: repeat(auto-fit, minmax(300px, 1fr));
gap: 30px;
margin-top: 40px;
}
.testimonial-card {
background: var(--forest-green);
padding: 25px;
border-radius: 10px;
border: 2px solid var(--wood-brown);
position: relative;
transition: transform 0.3s;
}
.testimonial-card:hover {
transform: translateY(-5px);
}
.testimonial-card:before {
content: '“';
font-size: 60px;
position: absolute;
top: -20px;
left: 10px;
color: var(--accent-orange);
opacity: 0.7;
}
.client-info {
display: flex;
align-items: center;
margin-top: 15px;
}
.client-icon {
width: 40px;
height: 40px;
background: var(--moss-green);
border-radius: 50%;
margin-right: 15px;
display: flex;
align-items: center;
justify-content: center;
}
footer {
text-align: center;
padding: 30px;
background: rgba(0,0,0,0.2);
margin-top: 50px;
}
@media (max-width: 768px) {
h1 {
font-size: 3em;
}
}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<div class="container">
<header>
<h1>OnlySquatch</h1>
<p>Life Coaching from Your Forest Friend 🌲</p>
</header>
<div class="hero">
<img src="https://github.com/johnowhitaker/onlysquatch/raw/main/squatch1.jpg" alt="Coach Squatch on Zoom" class="coach-image">
<div class="description">
<h2>Unlock Your Inner Yeti!</h2>
<p>Tired of human advice? Get life coaching from nature's most mysterious mentor! Coach Squatch combines ancient woodland wisdom with modern business savvy to help you:</p>
<ul>
<li>Climb the corporate tree</li>
<li>Navigate relationship rivers</li>
<li>Find your life's trail</li>
</ul>
<a href="#" class="cta-button" id="subscribeButton">Subscribe on OnlyFans! ($29.99/mo)</a>
</div>
</div>
<div class="benefits">
<div class="benefit-card">
<h3>🌲 Forest Fresh Perspective</h3>
<p>Break out of your human mindset with truly wild insights</p>
</div>
<div class="benefit-card">
<h3>🦶 Bigfoot Accountability</h3>
<p>We'll track your progress (but leave no trace)</p>
</div>
<div class="benefit-card">
<h3>🌄 Wilderness Wisdom</h3>
<p>Learn survival skills for both boardroom and backcountry</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="testimonials">
<h2 style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 20px;">🌲 What Clients Are Howling 🌲</h2>
<div class="testimonial-grid">
<div class="testimonial-card">
<p>"Coach Squatch changed my life! His 'tree-top perspective' helped me see through the corporate canopy. Now I'm CEO of my own acorn startup!"</p>
<div class="client-info">
<div class="client-icon">🐿️</div>
<div>
<strong>Sammy Squirrel</strong><br>
<em>Former Human Resources Rat</em>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="testimonial-card">
<p>"I was lost in the wilderness of middle management. Squatch's moss-based meditation techniques helped me find my true north!"</p>
<div class="client-info">
<div class="client-icon">🧑💼</div>
<div>
<strong>Karen H.</strong><br>
<em>Recovered Corporate Drone</em>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="testimonial-card">
<p>"Best $29.99/month I've ever spent! The 'Moonlight Howl Strategy Session' alone was worth it. My profits have grown 300%... just like Squatch's hair!"</p>
<div class="client-info">
<div class="client-icon">🦉</div>
<div>
<strong>Ollie Owl</strong><br>
<em>Night Shift Entrepreneur</em>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<footer>
<p>⚠️ Warning: May cause increased confidence, better life decisions, and unexplained muddy footprints</p>
<p>© 2023 OnlySquatch - Not actually affiliated with real sasquatches (probably)</p>
</footer>
</div>
<script>
document.getElementById('subscribeButton').addEventListener('click', function(e) {
e.preventDefault();
alert('🦍 OOAAAHHH! (Translation: Welcome to the family! Check your email for next steps!)');
window.location.href = 'https://onlyfans.com'; // Replace with actual link
});
const cards = document.querySelectorAll('.benefit-card, .testimonial-card');
cards.forEach(card => {
card.addEventListener('mouseover', () => {
card.style.transform = 'rotate(1deg) scale(1.02)';
});
card.addEventListener('mouseout', () => {
card.style.transform = 'none';
});
});
</script>
</body>
</html>